Disclaimer: Satirical material on this post may strike some viewers as vulgar, offensive, or (worst of all) serious. It’s satire. I write it for fun, and to share (a.k.a. purge myself of) these experiences. Please adjust your expectations and interpretations accordingly.
Long.Island.Iced.Tea.
Why is this cocktail so hated and judged by bartenders? Let me count the ways.
Have you ever heard the advice to not mix liquors? Unless, of course, you are yearning for that unforgiving headache the morning after. That exorcism your body slowly puts you through, trying to painfully expel all the bad decisions from the night before. Multiply that by your age x 1000 = L.I.I.T effect.
What is it about this cocktail? Suddenly standing on tables and dancing without pants in public places sounds like a fine idea. Speeding through highways without wearing seatbelts while escaping with a kidnapped goat. That sort of feeling.
Some people react badly to gin. Some others get their heads possessed by anger demons with the mildest taste of tequila. For me, personally, whiskey turns me into a different person. Not a good person. A person with no control over her emotions and no self-preservation whatsoever, going down a rabbit hole of insecurities and daddy issues. Yikes. That is, if I retain the poison in my body long enough for it to reach my head. -Whiskey makes me violently ill.-
How about we drink all the things? All at once? Because that’s how this evil spawn was born, right?
What is inside this cocktail anyway?
If it looks like iced tea and tastes like iced tea, it must be iced tea, right?
Not quite. This cocktail mixes 5 different liquors: vodka, tequila, rum, gin, and orange liquor. I know, what? But why? Gross. There is no iced tea in it! You put all that together and add lemon juice, simple syrup, and a splash of Coke. Yep, good old Coca-Cola.
Have you ever heard of new liquor companies putting out their brand-new gins and vodkas in the market, hanging on to the dream of becoming the next Tito’s or Grey Goose? Pro tip: it’s not how good your product is, it’s all in your marketing budget. But I digress… How many of these less popular liquors are left on shelves for years? Well, so many, that those are the spirits usually used for L.I.I.T. Would you taste the difference? Not a chance. I would bet you money on it. Not just $5. I would bet you $500, without blinking.
There is the occasional patron who will ask for a “Top Shelf” Long Island Iced Tea. Ladies and gents, a monkey dressed in silk is a monkey no less.
Bar mat shots anyone?
Long Island iced teas remind me of bar mat shots. Grab everything that fell on your bar mat during your shift -a.k.a. Every liquor, syrup, juice, etc.- and do a shot of that. They use this technique to haze newbies in the bartender scene.
Did you notice that acronym? L.I.I.T. That’s how it became a popular catchphrase: “Tonight I’m gettin LIT!!! 🍸🔥.” I had a guy come to the bar and verbatim ask me, “Can I get a L.I.T.?” As if I had suddenly wondered, “What is the stupidest way you can ask me for a trash cocktail?” And that man believed 100% he was the coolest. I could see it in his eyes. I stared at him for a moment. I didn’t move, just stared with mild confusion on my expression. Tilted my head a little. I knew what he wanted, I could have played along. But no. Why? Just no. I even glanced for a brief moment at other patrons next to him, to impart subtle humiliation. But for him to feel this humiliation, he would have to be even a little self-aware. Or have any shame for that matter. So yeah, the joke’s on me.
The Bartender is Definitively on High Alert.
Why do bartenders hate this drink? Because the people who order the drink often match the qualities of this fine cocktail. Do you regard yourself as a fine member of society who just enjoys the occasional garbage beverage? Is it your guilty pleasure?
Let me be blunt, your drink speaks badly of you. Your drink is killing whatever fine reputation you might think you have. Your drink is destroying the first impression you give to others. Your drink looks like a bad hair day with a mismatched outfit. It looks like a loud, obscene, politically opinionated conspiracy theorist, wearing a neon outfit.
In 10 years of bartending, I must have prepared this cocktail about 500 times…….and all the clients have shown themselves with similar qualities and poise: Loud, rude, cheap, ignorant, arrogant, with a complete lack of self-awareness. The stigma is real.
Is is always like this?
Honestly, I almost wish it became a new hip nostalgia fashion to drink it, and everybody ordered it for a bit. And maybe then, for a brief moment, I wouldn’t flinch with dread at the request of the order.
But that’s impossible. People who drink this want to feel something quick. Once you dissect it, it is trash lemonade. Your body doesn’t stand a chance, your head will eventually punish you for it.
Maybe we should make adult lemonade hip? Put iced tea and sweet ingredients into mixed cocktails 🍹? Are grown men afraid to order vodka and lemonade? Splash of coke? GAH! NO. Just no. Never mind! I can’t work around it! I’ve tried.
~Excuse me for a moment while I’m having a mini meltdown mid-post at the idea of people ordering a vodka-lemonade with a splash of coke.
Did I ever serve a nice lady or guy a Long Island Iced tea? Surely. Can I remember? No. During my 10 years of bartending, maybe one or two people. That’s a real-life statistic.
“But I love This Cocktail!”
If you are new to the world of cocktails, sure. Why not? Maybe you just turned 21, and you want to make your own mistakes and have your own experience. If that’s the case, please indulge.
But hopefully, with time, you will learn.
And if you never learn, you might get treated differently. Not just by me, but by millions of bartenders around the world.
Believe me. They know better.
Word to the wise. This drink is a red flag 🚩 and it says the following about the patron: “WARNING. Proceed with caution. ⚠️ Contents explosive.”
Do you agree with me? Do you wish to challenge me? I welcome both.
Leave a comment below 👇👇 Perhaps you have your own “LIT” story to share?
Sharing is for lovers.
