Here are some lines to poke a bit of fun at ridiculous situations that happened behind the bar. For this particular story, my friend Kevin @calico_queens has graciously agreed to model for the photos. Note: He is NOT the subject, just a fellow peer. 😂😅
This tale is inspired by a true story. 🍊
Imagine stepping into an elegant bar, with wooden counters and craft cocktails flowing. The air is filled with laughter and delight, the lighting is warm, the setting enhanced by the melodic tunes of prohibition era style music. It’s a fast-paced yet vibrant atmosphere.
Enters unpredictable guest.
He uses a pretentious voice. Seems detached from reality. He fails to look at the eyes of the bartender he speaks to, just looks at the void, like waiting for his mind to return to his head. He does not notice patrons patiently waiting for service before him. Doesn’t pay much attention to his date.
“Oh hello… yes, what do I desire this fine evening? Well… see, my body is a bit bruised from drinking 10 double whiskies, a few beers, a couple of Amaros, and a Pittsburg steak with blue cheese on top and chocolate cake on the side. I know this fine dining restaurant is located underground (no windows, no sunlight) and it is 8.34pm on a Friday, but I want to feel like I’m having brunch at a tropical beach. I’ll have an orange juice. No rocks, just chill it for me. And make sure it is fresh squeezed. It does say you only use fresh squeezed juice on your menu, doesn’t it?”
Recoil and cringe all bartenders: I know that feeling in your gut all too well. If you have been a naughty bartender, karma might send you a little gift in the form of this guest.
He continues:
“Ah, that is marvelous! Would you like to try this my darling. ~motions to woman accompanying him~. Yes, she will have one too. And I’m almost done with this one. Get me another one, will you?”
Result: These bartenders in a busy bar or restaurant running out of orange juice. An ingredient necessary for two main cocktails on their menu. Plus, the classics! Think Texas margaritas, Planters Punch, screwdrivers (is that still a thing?).
But do tell me, fellow bartender, you can’t say no, can you?
Are you suddenly out of 3 cocktails in your menu?
So, you do have this coveted orange juice, by logic. Will you make the recipes without one ingredient, and mess with the ratios? What will you risk, bartender?
Fight with the guest? Explain you only have enough for the cocktails? Say no? Risk an outrage, a call of the manager, a review? Do you truly expect this guest to be the least bit reasonable?
Nope, run and squeeze more oranges. Squeeze them good. Let that god forsaken sweet orange nectar flow.
Forget the making of the cocktails, the serving other guests, the cleaning of the bar, the rest of your purpose in life.
Forget everything. Just juice more oranges.
Might you suggest that I should still tell this guest that his demands are unreasonable? That his requests will stop the whole flow of the bar, and for that, the whole restaurant, dead on its tracks?
Oh no, but that would be against the laws of southern hospitality. Paula Deen might send her goons after you. And I do believe telling a patron that he is out of touch with reality is just against hospitality all together.
The mere act of ordering an OJ at the bar AND NOTHING ELSE. Gentlemen, don’t do this! Read that little black book of bar etiquette. It was written by 1920s speakeasy owners and cowboys in the Wild West. You know, back when men had gangsters as role models? You know the one.
And dear bartenders, hold your breath a little when you hand over that $15 tab (for those $5 juices) to your beloved patron. For what? 3 juices? or *GASP* maybe 4 juices? Hope hard for that $3 or $4 tip.
It is always worth it in the end, right?
Don’t forget to smile 🙂
Do you have some bartending tales to share?
Sharing is for lovers.
