Last updated on May 5th, 2025
Disclaimer: The satirical content in this post may strike some readers as vulgar, offensive, or—worst of all—serious. It’s satire. I write it for fun and to share (a.k.a. purge) these experiences. Please adjust your expectations and interpretations accordingly.
Long. Island. Iced. Tea.
Why is this cocktail so hated and judged by bartenders? Let me count the ways.
Have you ever heard the advice to not mix liquors? Unless, of course, you’re yearning for that unforgiving headache the morning after. That exorcism your body slowly puts you through, trying to painfully expel all the bad decisions from the night before. Multiply that by your age x 1000 = L.I.I.T. effect.
What is it about this cocktail? Suddenly standing on tables and dancing without pants in public places sounds like a fine idea. Speeding down highways without seatbelts while escaping with a kidnapped goat. That sort of feeling.
Some people react badly to gin. Others get their heads possessed by anger demons with the mildest taste of tequila. For me, personally, whiskey turns me into a different person. Not a good person. A person with no control over her emotions and no self-preservation whatsoever, going down a rabbit hole of insecurities and daddy issues. Yikes. That is, if I retain the poison in my body long enough for it to reach my head.
(Whiskey makes me violently ill.)
How about we drink all the things? All at once? Because that’s how this evil spawn was born, right?
What is inside this cocktail anyway?
If it looks like iced tea and tastes like iced tea, it must be iced tea, right?
Not quite. This cocktail mixes five different liquors: vodka, tequila, rum, gin, and orange liqueur. I know—what? But why? Gross. There is no iced tea in it! You put all that together and add lemon juice, simple syrup, and a splash of Coke. Yep, good old Coca-Cola.
Ever heard of new liquor companies putting out their brand-new gins and vodkas into the market, hanging on to the dream of becoming the next Tito’s or Grey Goose? Pro tip: it’s not how good your product is—it’s all in your marketing budget.
But I digress…
How many of these less-popular liquors are left on shelves for years? So many, that those are the spirits usually used for L.I.I.T. Would you taste the difference? Not a chance. I would bet you money on it. Not just $5. I would bet you $500 without blinking.
There’s the occasional patron who’ll ask for a “Top Shelf” Long Island Iced Tea.
Ladies and gents, a monkey dressed in silk is a monkey no less.
Bar mat shots, anyone?
Long Island Iced Teas remind me of bar mat shots. You know—grab everything that fell on your bar mat during your shift (a.k.a. every liquor, syrup, juice, etc.) and do a shot of that mess. It’s a classic hazing tactic for bartending newbies.
And did you notice that acronym? L.I.I.T.
That’s how it became a popular catchphrase: “Tonight I’m gettin’ LIT!!! 🍸🔥”
I had a guy come up to the bar and verbatim ask me, “Can I get a L.I.T.?”
As if I’d suddenly wondered, “What is the stupidest way you could possibly ask me for a trash cocktail?”
And that man believed—100%—he was the coolest. I could see it in his eyes.
I stared at him for a moment. Didn’t move. Just stared, with mild confusion on my face. Tilted my head a little.
I knew what he wanted. I could’ve played along. But no. Why? Just… no.
I even glanced, just briefly, at the other patrons next to him—to impart some subtle humiliation.
But for him to feel this humiliation, he’d have to be even slightly self-aware.
Or have any shame, for that matter.
So yeah, the joke’s on me.
The Bartender is on High Alert
Why do bartenders hate this drink? Because the people who order it often match the energy of the cocktail itself.
Are you a perfectly reasonable human who just happens to enjoy the occasional chaos beverage? Is this your guilty pleasure?
Let me be blunt: your drink is telling on you. It’s tanking whatever respectable reputation you think you have. It’s wrecking your first impression. It’s the drink equivalent of a bad hair day paired with a chaotic outfit — loud, mismatched, and yelling about aliens in the government.
In 10 years behind the bar, I’ve probably made this cocktail 500 times… and nearly every single person who ordered it came in loud, rude, cocky, and blissfully unaware of how they were perceived.
The stigma didn’t come out of nowhere.
Sometimes I almost wish it would have a comeback — like, become ironically trendy again. If everyone ordered it for a month, maybe I could make one without flinching. But that’s a pipe dream.
Because let’s be real — the people who order it want to get hit fast. When you really break it down, it’s just boozy lemonade. Your body doesn’t stand a chance, and your brain will send you the invoice the next morning.
Maybe adult lemonade should be the trend. Maybe we should normalize grown-ups ordering cocktails with iced tea and sweet stuff again. But the mere idea of someone ordering a vodka lemonade with a splash of Coke is a bit too cringe.
Did I ever serve a Long Island to someone sweet and normal? Sure. Probably once or twice. Can I remember them? Nope. Real statistic.
“But I love this cocktail!”
If you’re new to the cocktail world, go for it. You just turned 21? Go ahead and order one.
You’ve got to make your own mistakes.
But ideally, you’ll learn.
And if you don’t… you might get judged. Not just by me — but by thousands of bartenders across the globe. They know. They all know.
Word to the wise: this drink is a red flag 🚩. It says, “WARNING: Contents volatile. Proceed with caution.” ⚠️
So, next time you ask for a Long Island Iced Tea, remember: it’s not just a drink; it’s a statement. And that statement? Well, it says ‘I’m here to party… in a way that’ll haunt my body and dignity tomorrow.’
Cheers to that!
Leave a comment below 👇👇 Perhaps you have your own LIT story to share?
Sharing is for lovers.
